I can't protect anything...

I can't protect anything...
I failed to protect my friends...
I failed to protect my belongings...
I failed to protect my honour...
I failed to protect my bravery...
I failed to protect my pride...
Why can't I protect anything?
Since when did I become such a coward?
Why did I back down from the fight?
Even among all of the provocations that I have suffered?
Isn't it natural human instinct for battles?
Why else have I chose to back down?
Is it because of the consequences?
Because my Primary 6 teacher told me to "Think of the consequences before I act"?
Or is it just because of my cowardice to take on ten people at once?
What would have happened if I chose to fight?
The consequences...
Would I end up in the hospital?
Would I face humiliation from the public caning by retaliating and starting a fight?
Would I end up expelled from the school?
Why are there consequences to everything?
Why just can't I protect anything?
Is it because of my lack of courage?
My hesitance to advance?
I can't advance... I can't retreat...
What else can I do?
Force an advance?
Get myself severely injured over it?
It is ten-on-one after all...
The odds are against my favour...
So what can I do?
Tolerate it?
Bear with it?
Failed to protect my friends...
Now they got dragged along with it...
And if they get targeted, wouldn't it be that I harm them?
My friends, in a dangerous and threatening situation, just because they sticked with me to the end?
Friends whom I used to believe that would abandon me once I got into deep shit...
Friends who stuck with me through the end...
Friends who are truly loyal...
They could be in danger anytime, and would it be all my fault?
Failed to protect my honour...
I fought a coward's battle...
I went to report to a teacher...
What would happen now?
Would they find their revenge against me somehow?
Would they still be furious against me?
Would they still want to beat me up or something for getting them into trouble?
By retaliating, did I just blow up the matter?
Did I make them suffer a punishment they do not have to?
If I just had to cool to walk away, would they not have to be punished?
But should I just bear with it, just so they don't get punished?
Why must I not hold my natural instinct for retaliation?
And why have I held back, now that I started the entire thing?
Was it because I was outnumbered?
Yeah, maybe I was...
But what of my honour and pride?
My shattered honour, for starting a fight and then telling the teachers?
My pride for fighting, just because of my inability to face up to threat?
Would the situation be different if it were a one-on-one?
Would I still dare to take him on?
Yeah, maybe I would...
But deep down, I doubt it.
That seems like just an excuse.
An excuse to heal my injured pride as a warrior.
An excuse to heal the dishonour beared upon me for fleeing.
But what would I do now?
Why do I not dare to stand up against them?
So what if I am outnumbered ten-to-one?
So what if I would get hurt, and probably much more than I have ever bear?
So what if I get expelled from school for fighting?
Why am I asking such stupid questions, the coward inside me asks...
There is no way I can win a fight ten-to-one...
There is no way I can bear a world of pain...
There is no way I can have the courage to get expelled for something stupid like this...
Then why am I asking these questions, the coward inside me asks...
Is it to mend my honour?
Is it to cover my disgrace?
Is it to restore my pride?
Why am I so weak?
I can't protect anything...
Not my friends, not my belongings...
Not honour, not pride, not bravery...
Not anything... I can't protect anything...
Why am I hesitating?
Is the enemy too strong?
Or am I just too weak?
Why am I so weak?
My fists... Why do I hesitate in summoning them?
Is it because of the "consequences" again?
Or is it because of something else?
The bravery that I am so proud of... Where has it went?
The courage that I valued so much... Where is it now?
Is it my lack of strength, that made me being unable to protect anything?
I want to get stronger...
How do I get stronger?
Taking revenge using physical methods...
Would that made me proud and honourable?
Even if I beared all punishment and went for it anyway?
Or would it just made me a coward?
Do people still settle things using fists nowadays?
But that type of stuff has been around for generations...
Why am I shunning it?
Is it because of the "consequences" again?
Or is it because of my cowardice and lack of courage?
Damn it, damn it, damn it.
Damn it all!