So, yeah, sigh... I'm seriously nervous tomorrow, yeah. Heck, of course I would pray with all my might that I can get good grades tomorrow, but pray as I might, I hesitate to assure myself that I would get good results... What a contradiction. Half of me wants nothing but the best, because I am fully-aware of the devastating effects this thing can have, but yet, the other half of me is believing that things will not go as well. Sigh, I guess it sucks to be pessimistic about something that you don't want to be pessimistic about.
But, how can I not be pessimistic, especially about something so important? I can just imagine myself tomorrow, hoping for the best like an idiot, with a wide smile on my face... and when I receive my results and took just a glance at it, the smile fades and scatters into bits, and the void is instead replaced by a surge of disappointment flowing in. After all, I have gotten worse than I expected. Much worse. How would I get past this shock? On the other hand though, if I go, expecting that I would fail everything, and ends up that I get rather good results, compared to those in my expectations, wouldn't that make me feel better? Ugh, this is contradicting.
Sometimes, my mind wanders off, I reach even further stages of pessimism. What if I flunk my exams completely, and I am waaaaaaay out of the reach of the courses I want to enter? What do I do next? Do I waste time and re-take my 'O' levels examinations again? Do I have no choice but to end up in ITE? Or do I say goodbye to full-time education and start preparing myself to work for the rest of my life?
Somehow, I thought that the best way would be the third one. I don't want to waste time re-taking those stupid exams, since I probably might just fail again or somethin'. I don't want to go to ITE as well, I think I'll get laughed at. D: Anyway, why not the last one? I already got myself a stable (albeit boring though :P) job, a stable income (for blowing on manga XP), and best of all, I already made myself nakama at where I work.
But still, I seriously want to just be able to get results good enough to enter the courses in the polytechnic that I want. But, will my pessimism allow that hope? Argh, what kind of mindset should I be having for tomorrow? Damn, my mind is in a chaotic state. Is it raining cats and dogs inside my inner world...? I apologize to the spirits inside me, who give me strength and power, for having to be pelt by rain in that solitary world. I apologize.
Oh well, at least the fact that I don't have to go to work, since I took a leave, comforts my chaotic heart.
Come to think of it, tomorrow would be the first time after three months that I would wear my school uniform, haha, now rotting inside my cupboard. How nostalgic... :P I think I want to wear the one with the front pocket ripped off by Yoshida when the two of us fought, haha.
I was being rather pessimistic about my 'O' levels results tomorrow during work, so when my colleagues asked me how I think I would fare, I told them that I would fail five out of eight subjects (and I even thought of which five, ranked according to the first ones I think of: Chemistry, English, Humanities, Geography, and Chinese), and that I would get a L1R5 of "56" (yeah, the highest, i.e. worse, one can get is 54. I messed nine times six up with eight times seven, haha XD).
My pessimistic nature seems to be making a lot of enemies. Hong Wei said that even though he knows deep down that he would fail Biology, he still chooses to stubbornly hope for the best, believing that all of his subjects would pass, and that he would get good grades. Edwyna even told me that I am underestimating myself. Am I really underestimating myself...?
Meh. That's better than overestimating myself, I suppose.
Argh! How the heck did I once again stumble onto the topic of 'O' levels?! Wasn't I talking about work today?
Damn you, 'O' levels, for clouding my mind!!Lol, my line leader has a serious memory problem. Well, how should I put this...? She can differentiate who I am and who Kim Hui is, she knows our names, but ironically, she doesn't know which one has what name... =.= So ends up, she always call me Kim Hui. -.-
It happened twice particularly today. First time, she instructed me to carry a box to the table. I did, and she told me, "Kim Hui, take the envelopes out of the box." I sat down and continued doing what I was doing before she came and made me carry that stupid, heavy box. Out of a corner of my eye, I saw her staring at me, wondering why am I not carrying out her instructions. After a few seconds, I couldn't stand it any more, but yet, I didn't want to follow instructions when she can't even get my name right, so I raised my head, looking at Kim Hui, who is sitting about two metres in front of me, and told him, "Oi, Kim Hui, you're supposed to take those envelopes out of the box." ^_^
The second time was even much funnier. Work has ended, and I was taking my bag out of the cupboard, about to leave, when she comes along and told me, "Kim Hui, good luck for tomorrow." Yeah, I appreciate her wishing me luck for my 'O' level results (and I need LOTS of it by the way, considering my negativity), but it really pisses me off that I don't even know who that luck is intended for. So I called out to Kim Hui, who is walking away, so he turns back and listened to me repeating after our line leader and, for absolutely no reason at all, wishing him luck for tomorrow. XD
Yeah, pal, good luck for tomorrow anyway, it's sad that you won't have ore-sama there to help you out!
On the bus from the factory to Tampines MRT Station, I saw Ming Yuan sitting along, and figuring out that it's been such a damned long time since I've last interacted with him, I decided to sit beside him, haha. He took out his own Bleach volume 31 (coincidentally, mine is just right in front of me on my computer table, right now as I type this o.O), and we started chatting about Bleach. I have no idea why he would assume that Ulquiorra is the strongest out of the Espada, lol.
Lol, and I met Yoshida while queuing up waiting for my bus at Tampines Bus Interchange as well. XP He was wearing a rather vibrant-looking orange T-shirt, haha, which, in my opinions, clashed rather well with his personality, lol. He also cut his hair too, so it seems much shorter and neater than last time I saw him, back at the class chalet. Oh yeah, I forgot, JCs regulate that students must have short and neat hair, just like in primary and secondary schools. Haha, Polytechnics don't give a damn about it though. XP
And lol, before boarding my bus, I told him, "See you in school tomorrow. How many subjects do you think you would fail? I think I would fail five." He told me, with a smile, "Seven." XD Haha, I'm grateful for the presence of a pessimistic friend, finally, after so many optimistic friends I've been talking to these days, like Hong Wei and Edwyna, haha. XP Reminds me that whenever Mdm Low announces that a certain number of people failed her ridiculously-easy maths tests, Yoshida would always proudly tell me, "I'm one of them." XD
Yeah, Yoshida is what influenced me onto the path of pessimism, haha.
Oh, and think I am being too negative and pessimistic?
I'M ALREADY NEGATIVE!!
^_^
Sigh, it seems as if tomorrow shall be the day of my death. Should I just admit defeat... or struggle on and refuse to give up...? I don't know. I'm confused. Too confused.
"I'm done... with nightmares!"
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